Famed Psychic Predicts:
Animals Will Rule in America with
the Sunstein Initiaves
Animals Will Rule in America with
the Sunstein Initiaves
"New Mount Rushmore Project Could
Provide Up to a Million Jobs" Says Reid
Provide Up to a Million Jobs" Says Reid
Washington DC- PPNS Correspondent
S.J. Murphy-Senate Majority
Leader Harry Reid seemed
both annoyed and excited as
he met with reporters
yesterday.
"This was supposed to be a
surprise. But those
Republicans keep harping on
the amount of jobs in the
Stimulus Bill. So, as usual I
have to respond to their
uncooperative attitude."
S.J. Murphy-Senate Majority
Leader Harry Reid seemed
both annoyed and excited as
he met with reporters
yesterday.
"This was supposed to be a
surprise. But those
Republicans keep harping on
the amount of jobs in the
Stimulus Bill. So, as usual I
have to respond to their
uncooperative attitude."
"We are going to have a new infrastructure project that will not only provide countless jobs but
restore pride in our country and please the rest of the world."
After making that statement. Reid produced a large photograph of Mount Rushmore with indications
of where the head of President Barrack Obama would be sculpted next to the four Presidents already
there.
"Adding Obama to Rushmore is probably the greatest surprise spending that we have tucked away in
that wonderful bill", said Reid, "and I'm sure its the one the American people will love the most."
Reid appeared to be perturbed when a reporter from Fox News asked what Obama had done to
merit inclusion in such exclusive company on the famous rock.
"Really, now. I think during his first few hours in office we already knew he was the greatest president
we've ever, ever had."
Reid described the project a "chisel-ready" but declined to share the actual price tag of the
endeavor, where the money would come from and the estimated time for completion. -sjm
Reid displays visual aid to onlookers
A Phaque-Phicktickshus News EXCLUSIVE!
Madame Orlofsky Sees
Disturbing Images of
Lunch in the Future
Disturbing Images of
Lunch in the Future
Santa Clara, CA- While giving a series
of personal readings at the recent
"Santa Clara New Age Festival", famed
fortuneteller Madame Orlofsky amazed
and alarmed onlookers with another in
a series of grim forebodings for the
United States.
of personal readings at the recent
"Santa Clara New Age Festival", famed
fortuneteller Madame Orlofsky amazed
and alarmed onlookers with another in
a series of grim forebodings for the
United States.
According to Krissy Lee Meyer, a Festival participant, Orlofsky's
demeanor changed abruptly as she was predicting future golf scores for
a gentleman in the workshop audience. "She was telling this guy he was
going to have a birdie in one or something on Saturday when she looked
down at her crystal ball. She turned white as a sheet and she gasped."
According to several witnesses, Madame Orlofsky begin to relate what
she was seeing.
"It's the future- a dark future", she'd said.
She described seeing a man who was very hungry for a cheeseburger
and fries. He'd gone to all of his favorite fast food restaurants but found
that they had all been closed by government order under the new
Healthy Food Act. The man was not deterred and began a torturous
maze through what Madame Orlofsky described as "The dark underbelly
of the city" until finally reaching a partially hidden door at the base of a
secluded staircase on the rear of a building.
Said Meyer, "She was getting emotional when she said how the man was
so hungry and how he pounded on the door. Madame O said she saw a
little wooden window slide open and the man inside said "Shush" to the
hungry guy and he said "Big Mac sent me." They let him in and soon he
joined others who were eating cheeseburgers, french fries and
Chocolate Malts, all considered contraband under the new Healthy Food
Act.
Madame Orlofsky had said that the room was dark and crowded with
people grilling, frying and eating. She'd said they were having a good
time when the door was violently kicked open. It was the Obaman Civilian
Security Force. They were tossing food to the ground and arresting
people for Food Act violations.
According to witnesses, at that time in her presentation, Madame
Orlofsky had covered her eyes, unable to gaze any longer at the scene
in her crystal ball. She'd mumbled something about not being sure if she
was seeing ketchup or blood.
Said Meyer, "She really wasn't able to give any more readings. She was
shook up. She left the building. Last time I saw her she was heading
across the street to Wendy's."
demeanor changed abruptly as she was predicting future golf scores for
a gentleman in the workshop audience. "She was telling this guy he was
going to have a birdie in one or something on Saturday when she looked
down at her crystal ball. She turned white as a sheet and she gasped."
According to several witnesses, Madame Orlofsky begin to relate what
she was seeing.
"It's the future- a dark future", she'd said.
She described seeing a man who was very hungry for a cheeseburger
and fries. He'd gone to all of his favorite fast food restaurants but found
that they had all been closed by government order under the new
Healthy Food Act. The man was not deterred and began a torturous
maze through what Madame Orlofsky described as "The dark underbelly
of the city" until finally reaching a partially hidden door at the base of a
secluded staircase on the rear of a building.
Said Meyer, "She was getting emotional when she said how the man was
so hungry and how he pounded on the door. Madame O said she saw a
little wooden window slide open and the man inside said "Shush" to the
hungry guy and he said "Big Mac sent me." They let him in and soon he
joined others who were eating cheeseburgers, french fries and
Chocolate Malts, all considered contraband under the new Healthy Food
Act.
Madame Orlofsky had said that the room was dark and crowded with
people grilling, frying and eating. She'd said they were having a good
time when the door was violently kicked open. It was the Obaman Civilian
Security Force. They were tossing food to the ground and arresting
people for Food Act violations.
According to witnesses, at that time in her presentation, Madame
Orlofsky had covered her eyes, unable to gaze any longer at the scene
in her crystal ball. She'd mumbled something about not being sure if she
was seeing ketchup or blood.
Said Meyer, "She really wasn't able to give any more readings. She was
shook up. She left the building. Last time I saw her she was heading
across the street to Wendy's."
A Phaque-Phicktickshus News EXCLUSIVE!
Famed Psychic Predicts:
Obama Will Legalize ALL Drugs-
Drug Czar to Head Distribution
Obama Will Legalize ALL Drugs-
Drug Czar to Head Distribution
Administration's actions involving illegal drugs and narcotics. Orlofsky
says that she sees visions of the President announcing that he will
eradicate all laws against drugs with a Presidential Order.
"He says he does it for the economy. He says it will create millions of
jobs and generate tax revenues."
The President, according to Orlofsky's prophecies, will explain to the
public that "people should be able to put what they want in their
bodies". She says that he defends legalizing previously controlled
substances in order for the Federal Government to be able to tax them.
"Obama says that once we start taxing heroin, meth, cocaine, grass
and so forth it will bring a fortune into the government coffers. He says
he'll use that money to take care of people- to pay for people's health
care and to feed children."
Orlofsky further predicts that Obama will claim that the new legal drug
program will not cost much, saying she's seen visions of one of the
President Prime Time TVSide Chats, in which he says: "We're going to
take all the people who fight drug trafficking and re purpose them into a
national distribution program. DEA will now mean "Drug Empowerment
Association". My administration Drug Czar will now be in charge of
manufacturing and distribution. Think of the good we can do for
Afghanistan by importing their poppies."
"I do see new jobs in the future", stated Orlofsky. "They hire people to
test and label the street drugs for purity. People who are now drug
dealers immediately become federal employees and it will take a huge
number of people to administer all their new benefits. Things like that.
And each grade school and high school will have to hire people to
explain to kids how to read the new purity and safety labeling."
Orlofsky went on to say that she had seen foggy visions of a woman
with a name like "Zoey Zepple". She was "some kind of spokesperson"
for the Administration's program. She said that she's seen Zoey
answering angry questions from Republican Members of Congress. I
see Zoey trying to answer but she says that she's sure questions are
valid but she's too stoned to answer. She ends the session early
because she's got the munchies."
Madame Orlofsky concluded her remarks by describing these
predictions as "scary and disturbing".
At a rare public press
conference, world famous
psychic prognosticator Madame
Orlofsky has revealed a series
of premonitions and visions.
"Over the past three days", said
Orlofsky, "I have seen future
events that have shocked and
shaken me."
conference, world famous
psychic prognosticator Madame
Orlofsky has revealed a series
of premonitions and visions.
"Over the past three days", said
Orlofsky, "I have seen future
events that have shocked and
shaken me."
On Wednesday Orlofsky told the
crowd in the packed lobby of the
River Heights Hotel in
Alexandria, Virginia that she has
clearly foreseen the Obama
crowd in the packed lobby of the
River Heights Hotel in
Alexandria, Virginia that she has
clearly foreseen the Obama
PPNS Correspondent S.J. Murphy-Washington DC-
A White House insider has reported that
Rahm Emanuel is the first recipient of the
"Elephant Gun Award".
Said the unnamed source, "This is just for
fun- a little plaque that the President gives
to people in his inner circle who cripple the
Republican Party."
When questioned, Emanuel proudly
displayed the engraved plaque.
"I'm almost embarrassed to get this, it was
so easy", said Emanuel. "All I had to do
was say that Rush Limbaugh was the
head of the Republican Party and I knew
that it would cause trouble."
Emanuel further stated that by simultaneously putting Limbaugh's remark about
his hopes that Obama would fail in the worst possible light, many notable
Republicans "would respond in a very predictable way". According to Emanuel
he believes today's Republicans to be "insecure" and "incredibly concerned"
about being criticized by the media and called partisan. He believed that many
would then react by criticizing and condemning Limbaugh.
"It was hilarious", laughed Emanuel. "If Republicans had been smart they all
would have unified and just said how glad they were to have Limbaugh in their
Party. RNC phones would have rung off the wall with people wanting to
contribute. '
Continued Emanuel, "But I knew they would play right into my hands. As it is,
conservatives are talking about leaving the Party. I hate to brag but- well- damn,
I'm good."
"Most Republicans don't have a clue how to play this game. I'm going to line my
walls with these babies", said Emanuel holding the plaque.
A White House insider has reported that
Rahm Emanuel is the first recipient of the
"Elephant Gun Award".
Said the unnamed source, "This is just for
fun- a little plaque that the President gives
to people in his inner circle who cripple the
Republican Party."
When questioned, Emanuel proudly
displayed the engraved plaque.
"I'm almost embarrassed to get this, it was
so easy", said Emanuel. "All I had to do
was say that Rush Limbaugh was the
head of the Republican Party and I knew
that it would cause trouble."
Emanuel further stated that by simultaneously putting Limbaugh's remark about
his hopes that Obama would fail in the worst possible light, many notable
Republicans "would respond in a very predictable way". According to Emanuel
he believes today's Republicans to be "insecure" and "incredibly concerned"
about being criticized by the media and called partisan. He believed that many
would then react by criticizing and condemning Limbaugh.
"It was hilarious", laughed Emanuel. "If Republicans had been smart they all
would have unified and just said how glad they were to have Limbaugh in their
Party. RNC phones would have rung off the wall with people wanting to
contribute. '
Continued Emanuel, "But I knew they would play right into my hands. As it is,
conservatives are talking about leaving the Party. I hate to brag but- well- damn,
I'm good."
"Most Republicans don't have a clue how to play this game. I'm going to line my
walls with these babies", said Emanuel holding the plaque.
Rahm Emanuel Gets First "Elephant
Gun Award" from Obama
Gun Award" from Obama
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
Welcome to PPNS- where events are fake and
news fictitious. Where nothing is quite real,
but everything is really, really funny.
news fictitious. Where nothing is quite real,
but everything is really, really funny.
Off the Wires of the
Phaque-phicktishus News Service...
Cheerleaders Hold Car Wash
to Send Bill Maher to China
to Send Bill Maher to China
Maple Ridge, Vermont- PPNS Correspondent,SJ Murphy- Streets were blocked for
eleven hours last weekend in the area surrounding Windwood High
school as hundreds of cars waited in line for a fundraising car wash.
Car washes for school projects are nothing new in the area, but this
event was different. The cause involved television personality Bill
Maher.
Said Tiffi Remboldt, one of the event organizers, "We were watching
one of those TV interview shows and there was this older guy named
Bill Maher and he was the most unhappy person I ever saw."
"Yeah. Totally miserable. Like the most miserable person any of us
has ever seen. He's like- like filled with rage and hate, you know",
added Buffi Carson another organizer.
Mitzi Binder completes the trio, all seniors on the Windwood High
School Cheerleading squad.
Said Binder, "His face was like he hated everybody and he kept talking
about how rotten this country is. But then he'd start talking about how
great China is cause they got a dictatorship there that works great and
keeps all the stupid people organized and getting stuff done and stuff."
According to the girls they notice how "totally miserable" Maher was
when talked about America but "really digging it" when he talked about
China.
"We decided right then and there to help that miserable guy out", said
Carson.
eleven hours last weekend in the area surrounding Windwood High
school as hundreds of cars waited in line for a fundraising car wash.
Car washes for school projects are nothing new in the area, but this
event was different. The cause involved television personality Bill
Maher.
Said Tiffi Remboldt, one of the event organizers, "We were watching
one of those TV interview shows and there was this older guy named
Bill Maher and he was the most unhappy person I ever saw."
"Yeah. Totally miserable. Like the most miserable person any of us
has ever seen. He's like- like filled with rage and hate, you know",
added Buffi Carson another organizer.
Mitzi Binder completes the trio, all seniors on the Windwood High
School Cheerleading squad.
Said Binder, "His face was like he hated everybody and he kept talking
about how rotten this country is. But then he'd start talking about how
great China is cause they got a dictatorship there that works great and
keeps all the stupid people organized and getting stuff done and stuff."
According to the girls they notice how "totally miserable" Maher was
when talked about America but "really digging it" when he talked about
China.
"We decided right then and there to help that miserable guy out", said
Carson.
Maher
The girls stated that the did not watch Maher's show but thought he
might be connected to politics.
The girls made several signs reading: "Get Your Car
Washed to Send Bill Maher to China".
People must love that Bill guy", Said Remboldt. "When
they'd see our signs they'd honk and shout!"
The three attempted to give the money to Maher but state
he mumbled something about "little Palins taking over the world" and
then closed his door.
The three said they will probably buy designer uniforms for the
football team with the car wash proceeds.
-30-
Enviros, White House Launch
Massive PR Campaign in Schools
Massive PR Campaign in Schools
Washington DC- Sheila J. Murphy, PPNS Correspondent-
“We’re extremely disappointed.”
Alexander Jebring, leader of the Environmental activist group Earth Savers spoke
quietly as he stroked a small fishbowl in the center of his desk. In it swam a small,
solitary fish.
“I’m disappointed that Americans are allowing themselves to be swayed by an angry
handful of earth haters on the FOX News Channel and talk radio.”
According to Jebring a few “conservative talking heads” are trying to vilify efforts to
save millions of these “magnificent creatures.”
“But they won’t win. We have the President with us”.
Jebring refers to the long fight by environmentalists to save Delta Smelt Fish. The 2
inch minnow that has migrated to California from its habitat of origin can be sucked
into irrigation water pumps and killed. Federal regulations and judicial decisions have
protected the fish and resulted in the water being turned off for the vast, fertile farm
regions in central California. The lands are completely dried up and useless.
Unemployment in the region has surpassed 40%, the growing season ruined and
estimates suggest that more than 30,000 workers are desperate even for food for
themselves and families.
“I guess it’s too bad, but these people have been whining to the White House for
months. Obama has had countless opportunities to turn the water on but he hasn’t.
That tells me he’s on our side.”
Jebring went on to describe Obama as the “greatest President ever for
environmentalists”, citing Obama’s inclusion of animal rights radical Cass Sunstein in
the highest levels of government.
“Obama has already shown us that he thinks exactly like we do- that humans are only
interlopers on earth and no more deserving of consideration than insects. We know
he doesn’t get caught up in silly things like the borders of a nation. Clearly, his
priority is not America but planet earth and her creatures.”
“We may be unpopular with some, now, but with the White House’s help, we’ll change
that. Obama has shown us that you start by getting the kids on your side first. We
are introducing a new character in America’s schools. He’s Bami the Smelt. He’s nice
and happy. Our goal is that every child in America will cry himself to sleep worrying
about all these cute little fishies that could die if these people get to water their crops.
Jebring dismissed criticisms that the action is tantamount to "brainwashing" the
children and teens of America.
Said Jebring, "It is our moral responsibility to educate the kids in our effort and bring
them into it. The Whit House agrees."
When asked if President Obama minded being the inspiration for Bami the Smelt,
Jebring said the President was “flattered”.
-30-
“We’re extremely disappointed.”
Alexander Jebring, leader of the Environmental activist group Earth Savers spoke
quietly as he stroked a small fishbowl in the center of his desk. In it swam a small,
solitary fish.
“I’m disappointed that Americans are allowing themselves to be swayed by an angry
handful of earth haters on the FOX News Channel and talk radio.”
According to Jebring a few “conservative talking heads” are trying to vilify efforts to
save millions of these “magnificent creatures.”
“But they won’t win. We have the President with us”.
Jebring refers to the long fight by environmentalists to save Delta Smelt Fish. The 2
inch minnow that has migrated to California from its habitat of origin can be sucked
into irrigation water pumps and killed. Federal regulations and judicial decisions have
protected the fish and resulted in the water being turned off for the vast, fertile farm
regions in central California. The lands are completely dried up and useless.
Unemployment in the region has surpassed 40%, the growing season ruined and
estimates suggest that more than 30,000 workers are desperate even for food for
themselves and families.
“I guess it’s too bad, but these people have been whining to the White House for
months. Obama has had countless opportunities to turn the water on but he hasn’t.
That tells me he’s on our side.”
Jebring went on to describe Obama as the “greatest President ever for
environmentalists”, citing Obama’s inclusion of animal rights radical Cass Sunstein in
the highest levels of government.
“Obama has already shown us that he thinks exactly like we do- that humans are only
interlopers on earth and no more deserving of consideration than insects. We know
he doesn’t get caught up in silly things like the borders of a nation. Clearly, his
priority is not America but planet earth and her creatures.”
“We may be unpopular with some, now, but with the White House’s help, we’ll change
that. Obama has shown us that you start by getting the kids on your side first. We
are introducing a new character in America’s schools. He’s Bami the Smelt. He’s nice
and happy. Our goal is that every child in America will cry himself to sleep worrying
about all these cute little fishies that could die if these people get to water their crops.
Jebring dismissed criticisms that the action is tantamount to "brainwashing" the
children and teens of America.
Said Jebring, "It is our moral responsibility to educate the kids in our effort and bring
them into it. The Whit House agrees."
When asked if President Obama minded being the inspiration for Bami the Smelt,
Jebring said the President was “flattered”.
-30-
Poster that will be displayed in America's classrooms
| Editor's Note- Why we had to give the PHAQUE-PHICKTISHUS NEWS SERVICE its own page: When Barack Obama was elected, we comforted ourselves with the meager consolation that we would, at least for four years, have plenty of fodder for satire. We did not anticipate the amazing problem we now face. Obama's real actions are so unbelievable that at times some of our readers are not sure what is real and what isn't. An example of the Obama dillema: after Obama appointed his first three Czars, we did a satiracle PPNS story about him appointing 66 Czars and telling the Congress they were no longer needed in ther present capacity. In just a couple of weeks, Obama's own actions took our story from outrageous satire to the plausable. So, in order to avoid these incidents, although PPNS story may be "teased" elsewhere in the magazine, they will appear in full only on this page. And if we create some brilliant satire by reporting "news" about Obama or one of his Lib/Dem/Marxist cohorts and they then actually do something similar, don't blame us. We stay up late trying to stories so ridiculous and outlandish that nobody would ever believe they could really happen in the USA. Every time we come up with something, Team Obama makes it not so ridiculous after all.- sjm |
Nancy Pelosi: GITMO to Be
Transformed into Debtor's
Prison for American's Who Fail
to Purchase Health Insurance
Transformed into Debtor's
Prison for American's Who Fail
to Purchase Health Insurance
Dateline: Washington DC, by SJ Murphy PPNS Correspondent. Speaker Nancy Pelosi
looked almost as pleased and victorious as she did following her Health Care
win in the House of Representatives.
"As you know, the House Bill mandates responsibility. People will be expected to
purchase the insurance plans that they are directed to buy. If they fail there
could and should be prison terms".
Pelosi continued to explain that there have been complaints about an already
overcrowded penal system.
looked almost as pleased and victorious as she did following her Health Care
win in the House of Representatives.
"As you know, the House Bill mandates responsibility. People will be expected to
purchase the insurance plans that they are directed to buy. If they fail there
could and should be prison terms".
Pelosi continued to explain that there have been complaints about an already
overcrowded penal system.
Speaker Pelosi
Millions of Unemployed to Be Sent to Farms
"Agricultural Green Jobs will be My TVA"
Declares Obama
Declares Obama
"People must really want
that Bill guy to be happy.
Some would offer us five
or ten times our regular fee
if we could send him to
China right away."
that Bill guy to be happy.
Some would offer us five
or ten times our regular fee
if we could send him to
China right away."
Washington DC- Sheila J. Murphy, PPNS Correspondent-
In a recent White House Press Briefing,
Robert Gibbs responded to questions
concerning the absence of veteran news
reporter Helen Thomas.
Said Gibbs, "Unfortunately, Ms. Thomas fell
asleep right here in this room following a
recent briefing. A short time later, I'm afraid
that she was accidentally included in the
Charity Clothing Drive collection
conducted by ACORN volunteers last week.”
Gibbs went on to explain that “the ACORN folks” had inadvertently
bundled Thomas in with a large box of winter coats being shipped to
Equatorial Africa.
“We’re all relieved that Helen is OK. Doctors tell us she arrived a
little dehydrated but quite well-rested”
Authorities attribute her lack of injury to several “very puffy” ski
jackets in the crate with Thomas.
Gibbs reported on another incident he described as "bizarre".
According to Gibbs, Young White House Intern, Sheldon Meredith, is
out on bail after attempting to purchase a large amount of marijuana
from an undercover police officer in downtown Washington DC.
“Rahm told me there was big deal coming up- some kind of ”joint
session” he said. I always get the party favors. What was I supposed
to think?” said Meredith.
It is unclear as to whether charges will actually be filed.
Said Meredith, “Rahm’s gonna kill me. I’m leaving town, changing my
name and becoming a Republican.”
According to Gibbs, recent weeks brought one other unusual
incident.
In what Gibbs calls a “gigantic clerical error” President Obama’s
speech to America’s pre-kindergarten through sixth grade school
children was accidentally switched with Obama’s address to the Joint
Session of Congress. The switch included written forms of the
addresses as well as teleprompter presentation.
PPNS has uncovered reports that tens of thousands of grade-
schoolers actually lapsed into unconsciousness during the
Presidents 58 minute address intended for the Congress.
When informed that the speech that the President had just delivered
to the Joint Session was actually intended for younger grade-
schoolers, one Republican Senator said, “Big deal. We still don’t
know what he really means.”
In a recent White House Press Briefing,
Robert Gibbs responded to questions
concerning the absence of veteran news
reporter Helen Thomas.
Said Gibbs, "Unfortunately, Ms. Thomas fell
asleep right here in this room following a
recent briefing. A short time later, I'm afraid
that she was accidentally included in the
Charity Clothing Drive collection
conducted by ACORN volunteers last week.”
Gibbs went on to explain that “the ACORN folks” had inadvertently
bundled Thomas in with a large box of winter coats being shipped to
Equatorial Africa.
“We’re all relieved that Helen is OK. Doctors tell us she arrived a
little dehydrated but quite well-rested”
Authorities attribute her lack of injury to several “very puffy” ski
jackets in the crate with Thomas.
Gibbs reported on another incident he described as "bizarre".
According to Gibbs, Young White House Intern, Sheldon Meredith, is
out on bail after attempting to purchase a large amount of marijuana
from an undercover police officer in downtown Washington DC.
“Rahm told me there was big deal coming up- some kind of ”joint
session” he said. I always get the party favors. What was I supposed
to think?” said Meredith.
It is unclear as to whether charges will actually be filed.
Said Meredith, “Rahm’s gonna kill me. I’m leaving town, changing my
name and becoming a Republican.”
According to Gibbs, recent weeks brought one other unusual
incident.
In what Gibbs calls a “gigantic clerical error” President Obama’s
speech to America’s pre-kindergarten through sixth grade school
children was accidentally switched with Obama’s address to the Joint
Session of Congress. The switch included written forms of the
addresses as well as teleprompter presentation.
PPNS has uncovered reports that tens of thousands of grade-
schoolers actually lapsed into unconsciousness during the
Presidents 58 minute address intended for the Congress.
When informed that the speech that the President had just delivered
to the Joint Session was actually intended for younger grade-
schoolers, one Republican Senator said, “Big deal. We still don’t
know what he really means.”
White House Workers mistakenly
Pack Helen Thomas in Crate
Pack Helen Thomas in Crate
Say Hello to "'Bami the Smelt"...
Thomas
Dateline: Washington DC, by SJ Murphy PPNS Correspondent. President Barack
Obama claims to have solved three national problems with one action.
"We all agree that the carbon produced by American mechanized farm
equipment is absolutely ravaging small third world countries. After studying
reports from United Nations scientists, I know that America must abandon its
greedy policy of using so much fuel on its farms. I'm shutting them off. Turning
off the ignitions on the tractors by executive order."
The President then stated that he knew that "there would be those who would
want to use livestock for farm work' but discounted the suggested.
"We've already harmed the planet with carbon from equipment. We can't harm
it even more with the methane gas that animals produce. But I am introducing
a plan that will solve this problem. As you know because of the fiscal
irresponsibility of the Bush administration, we have high unemployment. I will
solve the problem that I inherited. All able-bodied unemployed individuals will
be temporarilly transferered to America's farms. This is an exciting new start
for our country. Our soil will be tilled, our crops, planted, maintained and
picked by people power. We are creating millions of green jobs!"
When asked about critics who claim that the program is transforming the
unemployed into a serf or slave class, the President dismissed the remarks as
"racist".
President Obama has expressed admiration for President Franklin Delano
Roosevelt in his creation of jobs through the Tennessee Valley Authority,
known as the TVA. Obama's program will be dubbed the American Farm
Authority or the AFA. It will be administered by a new AFA Czar to be
announced.
Where the unemployed farm workers would live, how their food would be
provided, how they would be transported and the source of funds to finance
the program are all unclear at this time.
-30-
Obama claims to have solved three national problems with one action.
"We all agree that the carbon produced by American mechanized farm
equipment is absolutely ravaging small third world countries. After studying
reports from United Nations scientists, I know that America must abandon its
greedy policy of using so much fuel on its farms. I'm shutting them off. Turning
off the ignitions on the tractors by executive order."
The President then stated that he knew that "there would be those who would
want to use livestock for farm work' but discounted the suggested.
"We've already harmed the planet with carbon from equipment. We can't harm
it even more with the methane gas that animals produce. But I am introducing
a plan that will solve this problem. As you know because of the fiscal
irresponsibility of the Bush administration, we have high unemployment. I will
solve the problem that I inherited. All able-bodied unemployed individuals will
be temporarilly transferered to America's farms. This is an exciting new start
for our country. Our soil will be tilled, our crops, planted, maintained and
picked by people power. We are creating millions of green jobs!"
When asked about critics who claim that the program is transforming the
unemployed into a serf or slave class, the President dismissed the remarks as
"racist".
President Obama has expressed admiration for President Franklin Delano
Roosevelt in his creation of jobs through the Tennessee Valley Authority,
known as the TVA. Obama's program will be dubbed the American Farm
Authority or the AFA. It will be administered by a new AFA Czar to be
announced.
Where the unemployed farm workers would live, how their food would be
provided, how they would be transported and the source of funds to finance
the program are all unclear at this time.
-30-
"I am so happy to tell you that I have solved that
problem. The President and my fellow Democrats
and I have dedicated ourselves to undoing the
moral wrongdoing that is the security facility at
Guantanemo Bay. We will soon be finished with
our efforts to bring the unfortunate individuals
that have been incarcerated there to total
freedom or at least to low-security "country club"
Federal prisons."
problem. The President and my fellow Democrats
and I have dedicated ourselves to undoing the
moral wrongdoing that is the security facility at
Guantanemo Bay. We will soon be finished with
our efforts to bring the unfortunate individuals
that have been incarcerated there to total
freedom or at least to low-security "country club"
Federal prisons."
But as we are undo the mistakes of the Bush years, we will be leaving
a prison facility unused. Why not use it for those who refuse to
cooperate with their nation's health plan."
Administration sources say that prison terms could be up to Five years
and fines up to $250,000.00 for those who do not purchase sufficient
insurance. (Editors Note: The last line is real. We didn't even have to
make it up!)
-30-
a prison facility unused. Why not use it for those who refuse to
cooperate with their nation's health plan."
Administration sources say that prison terms could be up to Five years
and fines up to $250,000.00 for those who do not purchase sufficient
insurance. (Editors Note: The last line is real. We didn't even have to
make it up!)
-30-
| This photograph of Korean plowing by hand can be found on the new Administration website entitled "People-Powered Green Jobs to Save the Economy and the Planet". |
A Phaque-Phicktickshus News EXCLUSIVE!
ranches all against the law.
I saw a man in my visions who would have great power. I thought his name was
sunshine. Finally I could see it is Sunstein. He says he promised not to do
anything "extreme" concerning animal rights, but says that these beliefs are not
extreme in his mind.
An emotional Orlofsky warns the press.
"These nightmarish scenes must not be allowed to come to pass. This country
will be unrecognizeable'
Orlofsky says the so-called Sunstein Initives will be enforced without mercy
toward humanity. She relates seeing even Nancy Pelosi being arrested for
wearing a jacket with chinchilla cuffs and Joe Biden taken away in a cruiser for
wearing a leather jacket.
"They'll begin with the children. The woman I have seen is turned into the police
by her own seven year old son for using a black market mouse trap to catch a
mouse in her kitchen. The child says he's doing what they taught him in school.
Any food items made from an ingredient using an animal product is illegal" I
Orlofsky stated that the images she had seen were intense and should serverve
as a foreboding.
"I saw a nightmare America full of suffering, Sadly, I saw animals starving along
with the people."
I saw a man in my visions who would have great power. I thought his name was
sunshine. Finally I could see it is Sunstein. He says he promised not to do
anything "extreme" concerning animal rights, but says that these beliefs are not
extreme in his mind.
An emotional Orlofsky warns the press.
"These nightmarish scenes must not be allowed to come to pass. This country
will be unrecognizeable'
Orlofsky says the so-called Sunstein Initives will be enforced without mercy
toward humanity. She relates seeing even Nancy Pelosi being arrested for
wearing a jacket with chinchilla cuffs and Joe Biden taken away in a cruiser for
wearing a leather jacket.
"They'll begin with the children. The woman I have seen is turned into the police
by her own seven year old son for using a black market mouse trap to catch a
mouse in her kitchen. The child says he's doing what they taught him in school.
Any food items made from an ingredient using an animal product is illegal" I
Orlofsky stated that the images she had seen were intense and should serverve
as a foreboding.
"I saw a nightmare America full of suffering, Sadly, I saw animals starving along
with the people."
At a rare press conference, psychic
prognosticator, Madame Orlofsky
spoke of visions that had come to her
over the past three weeks.
"I wasn't sure what I was seeing at
first. I saw jails crowded with shocked
and confused people."
Orlofsky said they were from various
walks a life- a dairy farmer, a
zookeeper, a housewife, a college
student. She recounts that her
visions, sometimes scattered and
indistinct in her crystal ball,
eventually revealed the charge all
were held on: cruelty to animals.
It is a new America I see in the future.
zoos are illegal and those associated
criminal. Dairy and hog farms- cattle .
prognosticator, Madame Orlofsky
spoke of visions that had come to her
over the past three weeks.
"I wasn't sure what I was seeing at
first. I saw jails crowded with shocked
and confused people."
Orlofsky said they were from various
walks a life- a dairy farmer, a
zookeeper, a housewife, a college
student. She recounts that her
visions, sometimes scattered and
indistinct in her crystal ball,
eventually revealed the charge all
were held on: cruelty to animals.
It is a new America I see in the future.
zoos are illegal and those associated
criminal. Dairy and hog farms- cattle .
More from the Famed Psychic:
Obama Will Suspend 2010 Elections
Declare Martial Law-Close Fox News, Talk Radio
Obama Will Suspend 2010 Elections
Declare Martial Law-Close Fox News, Talk Radio
I see polling places, darkened and locked. I see mobs of people standing
outside of them demanding to be let in to vote. Wait- no-no, I see people being
turned away by soldiers with guns."
After a few moments of silence, Orlofsky described other visions that she had
seen of events the night before Election Day. She said the she had seen three
polling places in three different cities that she could not identify. Pipe bombs
had exploded in a polling place in each city after closing.
Although no one claimed responsibility the Department of Homeland Security
suspects, extreme right wing extremist domestic terrorism. Orlofsky describes a
press conference at which the President related Homeland Security's
determination that no American polling place was safe.
"Then he does it. I see it clearly. He declares Martial Law and suspends the
election."
According to Orlofsky, Republicans are outraged in her vision, pointing to recent
polls that showed Republicans as sweeping the House and making great strides
in the Senate. She says that public unrest grows and riots at polling places
become common.
"Then I see him speak again. He says that Talk radio and Fox News are inciting
the riots. The President orders them closed. He says it is only temporary and to
protect the public."
"i see the polling places dark for many years. I see paper ballots crumbling."
Wiping tears from her eyes, Madame Orlofsky leaves quietly as dismayed
audience members watch in silence.
Madame Orlofsky met recently with those seeking readings in a small mid-town
tearoom.
After a series of inquiries about, jobs, romance and lottery numbers, A soft
spoken man asked for a prediction about the 2012 elections.
A smiling Orlofsky smiled and gazed into the crystal ball gleaming on a small
table before her. Her expression turned to puzzlement and then to distress.
"i-I don't see anything. I don't see elections in 2010"
"Wait, Wait", she continued.
tearoom.
After a series of inquiries about, jobs, romance and lottery numbers, A soft
spoken man asked for a prediction about the 2012 elections.
A smiling Orlofsky smiled and gazed into the crystal ball gleaming on a small
table before her. Her expression turned to puzzlement and then to distress.
"i-I don't see anything. I don't see elections in 2010"
"Wait, Wait", she continued.
| Phaque-Phicktishus News Service Exclusive! Obama Really Does Blame Bush for Everything! Check Out These PPNS Headlines: |
Washington DC- Sheila J. Murphy, PPNS Correspondent-
"he's a trooper- a real hero", said Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary.
"Towards the end he was in real pain, but he just kept talking and talking."
Gibbs was referring to Obama's first appearance as President to the United Nations General
Assembly. According to Dr. Leopold Schlsweinger, United Nations Resident Physician, during his
speech Obama had enthusiastically patted himself on the back for his own achievements and
attributes.
"I've seen it before", said Dr, Schlsweinger. A leader will start to pat himself on his back for this or
that and injuries can occur."
Schlsweinger stated that Obama's case was the most extreme he'd ever seen in 37 years as UN
physician, terming the injury as "unusual".
"I was watching the speech and I could see he'd be in trouble. Most leaders don't spend so much
time patting themselves on their backs for being so much better than the people they replaced.
That could be what put him over the top."
"he's a trooper- a real hero", said Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary.
"Towards the end he was in real pain, but he just kept talking and talking."
Gibbs was referring to Obama's first appearance as President to the United Nations General
Assembly. According to Dr. Leopold Schlsweinger, United Nations Resident Physician, during his
speech Obama had enthusiastically patted himself on the back for his own achievements and
attributes.
"I've seen it before", said Dr, Schlsweinger. A leader will start to pat himself on his back for this or
that and injuries can occur."
Schlsweinger stated that Obama's case was the most extreme he'd ever seen in 37 years as UN
physician, terming the injury as "unusual".
"I was watching the speech and I could see he'd be in trouble. Most leaders don't spend so much
time patting themselves on their backs for being so much better than the people they replaced.
That could be what put him over the top."
Obama Suffers "Unusual"
Injury After UN Speech
Injury After UN Speech
Dr. Schlsweinger demonstrates for
reporters the repetitive motion that
injured Obama
reporters the repetitive motion that
injured Obama
X-Rays indicate no
permanent damage to the
President
permanent damage to the
President
According to Schlsweinger, Obama is already recovering.
"What we're talking are some muscle pulls and a minor dislocation. A little physical
therapy and he'll be fine."
Schlsweinger stated that it would be better if Obama were to avoid the
self-back-patting motion in the future but acknowledged that would be "most
unlikely".
-30-
"What we're talking are some muscle pulls and a minor dislocation. A little physical
therapy and he'll be fine."
Schlsweinger stated that it would be better if Obama were to avoid the
self-back-patting motion in the future but acknowledged that would be "most
unlikely".
-30-
Copyright © 2009 The Cool Conservative All Rights Reserved.
Sheila Murphy, PPNS Correspondent- Calling himself only "Boris" the
career Russian diplomat sat in deliberate shadows in the
back of the Parisian café' as he revealed in hushed tones
the "Alaska deal". Saying that he was "too old to be drug
back into the cold war", "Boris" had decided to reveal what
he knows in hopes of slowing "Putin's power grab".
"Putin and Obama have been in close contact since
American election. It is how you say- a done deal."
According to "Boris" President-Elect Obama has agreed to
sell Alaska back to the Russians to finance his
broad-reaching social agenda in the contiguous states.
"Negotiating this will sweep Putin into power and Obama will
get the money he needs", stated "Boris".
When questioned by reporters earlier today. Obama
refused to confirm or deny the rumor. "Look", said the
President-Elect. "I was honest. People heard what they
wanted to hear, but I warned people we'd have to sacrifice.
Well, a state here or there may be what we have to sacrifice
to enable the government to finance our programs."
Obama refused to give a timetable for a sale. He did
respond to questions as to whether he was willing to sell
Alaska as some sort of retribution to Alaska Governor
Sarah Palin.
"That's ridiculous. I'm not saying I am selling Alaska to the
Russians- but if I did do that it wouldn't be because of Palin.
You know what they say, 'location, location, location. That
would be why."
Obama stated that if he did sell Alaska, he'd give residents
there a chance to move before Russia took ownership.
"You have to know I'd be fair to those folks", he said.
Obama appeared to become irritated when several
reporters asked him if he was considering the sale of
Hawaii, as well.
"You know when you want everybody to have everything,
when the environment trumps business- money can be a
problem. Well, I solve problems." , he said.
Said Obama, "I'm not saying that I am selling Hawaii, but if I
did, I think I'd have some opposition from hate-filled right
wing extremists on talk radio but the people there would be
just fine. I mean they're kind of separate already and they
even have their own language and everything."
-30-
career Russian diplomat sat in deliberate shadows in the
back of the Parisian café' as he revealed in hushed tones
the "Alaska deal". Saying that he was "too old to be drug
back into the cold war", "Boris" had decided to reveal what
he knows in hopes of slowing "Putin's power grab".
"Putin and Obama have been in close contact since
American election. It is how you say- a done deal."
According to "Boris" President-Elect Obama has agreed to
sell Alaska back to the Russians to finance his
broad-reaching social agenda in the contiguous states.
"Negotiating this will sweep Putin into power and Obama will
get the money he needs", stated "Boris".
When questioned by reporters earlier today. Obama
refused to confirm or deny the rumor. "Look", said the
President-Elect. "I was honest. People heard what they
wanted to hear, but I warned people we'd have to sacrifice.
Well, a state here or there may be what we have to sacrifice
to enable the government to finance our programs."
Obama refused to give a timetable for a sale. He did
respond to questions as to whether he was willing to sell
Alaska as some sort of retribution to Alaska Governor
Sarah Palin.
"That's ridiculous. I'm not saying I am selling Alaska to the
Russians- but if I did do that it wouldn't be because of Palin.
You know what they say, 'location, location, location. That
would be why."
Obama stated that if he did sell Alaska, he'd give residents
there a chance to move before Russia took ownership.
"You have to know I'd be fair to those folks", he said.
Obama appeared to become irritated when several
reporters asked him if he was considering the sale of
Hawaii, as well.
"You know when you want everybody to have everything,
when the environment trumps business- money can be a
problem. Well, I solve problems." , he said.
Said Obama, "I'm not saying that I am selling Hawaii, but if I
did, I think I'd have some opposition from hate-filled right
wing extremists on talk radio but the people there would be
just fine. I mean they're kind of separate already and they
even have their own language and everything."
-30-
Hot off the Wires
of the Phaque-Phicktickshus News Service
of the Phaque-Phicktickshus News Service
Obama to Sell Alaska- Says
Russian Source.
Russian Source.